Disneyland-1974…
Disneyland and Pacific Ocean Park have something in common. That would be theme parks.
But on closer investigation, we find they were built and designed by scenic artists and built by studio craftsmen. They are like backlots with rides.
P.O.P is a classic and unique park built over the Pacific Ocean. Many of the same artist and engineers worked on both parks, along with their movie studio jobs. P.O.P, sadly became derelict, and worse, a home for derelicts, only to burn down to the ocean’s edge. It can still be enjoyed in the Twilight Zone episode…Praise for PIP, starring Jack Klugman.
Get Smart, starring Don Adams, also filmed at this amusement park…As did Batman, starring Adam West and Burt Ward.
Disneyland, with its huge lake, large paddlewheel boat, canoes, a large New Orleans street, trains, rockets, planes, etc…Exactly like MGM Lot 3.. But these theme park backlots allow you the opportunity to (buy) your way inside.
Instead of tanks, weapons, battlefields, and bombed out villages like most movie studios have in their arsenal, a smaller-family friendly place exists.
50 caliber machine guns are replaced my Muskets…actors in costume are replaced by mascots in worse costumes. Barb wire fences are replaced by tollbooths.
All built by the same folk. Since Jimmy can drive now, we head out this morning in his white VW square back. The Happiest Place on Earth is our destination.
This is the first time either of us do this Kingdom without parents.
Six bucks buys a ticket booklet with passports for twelve rides. Unlike school grades, an A-ticket is the worst letter you can have. Slow and worn-out rides surrounded by screaming kids require an A-ticket.
B-ticket…stands for better than A, but not by much. We have two decent options, the motorboat ride and the Casey Jr train ride.
C-ticket… you receive three… so we strategize a few moments…Autopia, with those cool cars… is a must for beginner drivers like myself. Magic moments with Mr. Lincoln is really cool, that robot guy with a hat and beard…For the third, well that will either be Mr. Toad and his wild ride…or the shooting gallery.
D- tickets…we get three, these look just like my report card.
The clock a top the train station stares down as we stare upwards. We position ourselves to run once these metal gates with mouse ears… open.
It’s 8 am, we charge in…like trespassers. Thousands follow quickly. We grab a seat on a train to New Orleans square. Here is where we will use most of these E-tickets.
No other ticket comes close!
All Aboard: is shouted for the last time as our tiny little steam engine begins jugging towards the Bayou, still a ways away. We pass through a prime evil world which would make a great setting for a movie, maybe Spielberg will make it…call it- I don’t know- maybe Jurassic Park. I’m inspired. This train cost us a C-ticket…
On the way there we can’t help but wonder what it would be like to sneak around here. I am almost certain they don’t shoot kids here…unlike MGM. Having paid an entrance fee, we could always pretend… we’re just lost. We would have to talk are way out of any problems, since running home would be difficult… We live 40 miles away.
All we would need to do is show that we have a Disneyland passport, say we got lost and rely on are innocent looks. How do you think we got in here…some Hole in the Fence? … kiddingly!
We disembark at the New Orleans depot and run to get in a short line at Pirates of the Caribbean.
Without parents is the only way to visit this resort, we quickly agree. “They just slow ya down,” we laugh…”Let’s celebrate”…Yo Ho Yo Ho
After the coolest water ride ever… we move hurridly to the fastest ride ever.
The Matterhorn…Its majestic peak towers above us but a very long line leads you to the bobsleds…we decide to try later. Instead, we decide to jump on board the Aerial Tramway and it’s private little flying baskets.
Two “D” tickets allow us to come sail away, and we head towards the Matterhorn by way of the sky. Alone with just Jimmy in this flying basket, I light up one of two doobies specially rolled for this afternoon. Not just pinners but much larger… bombers!
Acapulco Gold blows from our mouth as we pass inside and through this iconic mountain, like we’re Cheech and Chong…
Bobsleds zip by, as all occupants inside scream for help…. We float by very slowly, silently, and almost effortlessly… above them. A giant wolf growls at us as we approach the entrance at the mountain summit.
As we pass inside the Matterhorn, an abominable snowman with glowing red eyes stares me down…
I stare back with blazing red eyes…smoke bellows from inside our little sky unit… which is being pulled by large steel cables.
Swoosh, more sleds, non-stop…below us. It’s a magic kingdom moment, and it’s more magical stoned. I have never been high around this many people before. It’s groovy!
We come to a soft exit… landing in Tomorrowland. We exit higher than the altitude we just descended from, that’s for sure! This is going to be a fun day on this backlot… theme park style.
We still have one more bomber joint on us as our sky ride concludes. We hurry to catch a raft to Tom Sawyers’ island… where I’m sure another adventure awaits us…
Our motorized raft sets sail after passage of a steamship…
We touch ground on this charted island…I have been called Tom Sawyer often, and I do have my own lake and jungle…mine is named after Tarzan!
We wonder over to the barrel bridge… to cross it…a dozen times. We climb up in the tower of the log fortress that overlooks the lake. Very real looking rifles point out towards the Indians reservation over yonder. We both agree this island may be the last spot we can… kill this doobie. It’s rolled up in my top pocket. Nowhere else will we be able to isolate ourselves.
Just as we are about to spark it, some dam kids climb up. Darn… so we climb down and enter a cave close by… about half way through, we stop. We discovered a small cut out, since no one else is around, I fire it up… here.
It’s a bomber and we are determined to finish it. Needless to say, the smoke can only go two directions in this narrow tunnel. I realize two people are entering at one end, backlit by the light at the end of the tunnel. Their hats quickly catch my attention then next, their uniforms. These are not tourists as I had hoped…it is the U.S. Calvary, in full uniform, complete with a swords on their hips. The only thing missing are their horses.
Extinguish that joint– is commanded of me...
My instincts tell me to run…but my brain says…Your house is 40 miles away.
I am forced to capitulate to these officers… on Tom Sawyer’s Island, no less!
The three men in blue laugh like this is their Up in Smoke moment. Pot smoke was billowing out each end of my underground lair, like a joint that is lit on both ends.
Jimmy is released amazingly since I had the joint in my hands. As I begin the long-escorted trip out of here I think to myself…these guys don’t realize who they have here, this would be huge capture at MGM…. Oh well, I am going to make another security list.
First, we are get our own charter boat across the water, just me and the men in the fancy blue duds. What waits on the mainland is something else, photo ops. By the hundreds, people from all over this small world want a picture with these calvary gentlemen…and me. Cuffs are not being used in public display so, they hold me tight as we all say…cheese!
Never in my life have I had more pictures taken of me than this moment! I now know how Winnie the Pooh must feel.
It gets worse…these characters show up, (above), creating more of a jammed crowd…
Finally, I turn to all the smiling faces, ranging from every walk of life, and say in my best English… “Backoff…I’m headed to jail you idiots, get out of the way, please” … click, click,…flash…click.
We arrive at Disneyland’s City Hall and I realize costumes are the key to security here. Two pirates, also security, sit across from each other at a table. One has a loud walkie talkie stuck on a police channel, the other has on…a sword and cuffs. He is also wearing a wire.
Clever! … I think to myself… undercover Pirate police…whmmm…this is quite the police force…Swords seem the weapon of choice here!
A Tomorrowland land officer walks by dressed like Captain Kirk, he has a laser gun. Different weapons for different criminals…
You can’t trust anyone around here, it appears!
After my interrogation concludes…
Next, I am escorted to the main gate for my official release from the Magic Kingdom. But waiting for me, under the iconic Monorail track is a Anaheim police car. The door is open, and I find out there is yet another leg to this journey I’m on today.
I am quickly stuffed inside the backseat of this police car…just as the Prime Evil World train passes by-stuffed with passengers, staring my way, taking more pictures. Slowly…the Monorail glides quietly overhead…All parties salute!
Next thing you know, I am in jail…I have never been, so this is new. I was in prison, but that was to see my teacher’s boyfriend. I am told I will remain here until my parents can be reached, me being a minor, this is my new home!
Pick up the phone, anyone please…
I have been just brought a cell mate who can bilingularly cuss…and does so for the next couple of hours. I can see the Matterhorn all lit up from my cell window. It’s dark outside now. I imagine Jimmy riding the bobsled, as we had planned.
Ernesto, is my friend and cellmate now, he is in here for robbing a pharmacy. I am in here for having a roach!
I spend more time with Ernesto today rather than with my pal Jimmy.
Fireworks begin, it’s that late. The show can be seen from my barred window surprisingly good, so there’s a positive…
A negative: I’m still here…” Hello, Please answer the phone!”
The Happiest Place on Earth… is closing.
Finally, I am told, my parents are on their way…Yippee!
As I greet them, we shortly all exit the jail together, as a family…Instead of anger, there is a dead silence. Just three car doors shutting, then the engine starts. I listen to the motor all the way home…no radio, no conversation, just the purr of a new 1973 Caddy engine and it’s quiet ride...extremely quiet, tonight!
I can’t wait to see how Jimmy’s day went…we got some catching up to do!
Phantom of the Backlots 